Updated: Nov 21, 2020
After my dad passed, I felt 'lost'. It is something that is hard to describe... What does 'lost' even mean? I felt like I could not find myself. I was not the Lidia I once knew and recognised. I ceased being a smiley and happy person for a while after he passed. I had no idea how to live life without one of the most important people in my life.
How do I live my new life? A life without that person?
It is now looking back that I can see perhaps why I felt this way. Losing a loved one is accompanied by a plethora of other losses- some good and some not so rather. It is strange to look back at myself at that time... It is now that I can see how far I have come. Then, I had not a clue on how I could ever be happy again: I constantly felt down, hopeless and frustrated. So many pieces of my life were shattered and blown away in the wind- at first, I tried to pick up these shards of shattered glass and piece my life back together. But the truth is- you cannot. You cannot finish a puzzle without the missing pieces.
It took me a while to come to terms with my new life, and I finally found peace with it. Peace and acceptance. To be honest, life is always changing: sometimes in little and inconceivable ways and sometimes in monumental ways. But acceptance does not mean forgetting. It is okay to still mourn your loved one and your old life, acceptance for me is being at peace... Understanding that this is just how life is (although it really bloody sucks and is just sad sometimes) and understanding that along with the tragedy and death, there are amazing, wonderful and beautiful things in life.
In fact, I think that my grief has actually allowed me to 'find myself'. I mean, do not get me wrong- I still have a lot to work on, and hopefully that is not an understatement (gulp). My grief has allowed me to recognise the things in life that I once took for granted. Sometimes, I still make these mistakes, but my grief is like a friendly reminder in the back of my mind, saying 'hey- maybe you should tell them how much you appreciate them' and so on... My grief (although not always just a 'friendly reminder') has made me feel more powerful: I have realised the importance of life and how fast it really goes and therefore, I have found myself doing things that I once would have been too fearful to do.
Although grief results in many losses, there are also gains to be made out of grief- even though you may not feel like that right now or recognise them, they are waiting there. Waiting to flourish and grow. And hope is the light that keeps the good alive and flourishing. I was once left feeling hopeless, shortly after my dad's death, but I thought of the amazing years of my life left ahead of me and I accepted that there would be some good times along with the bad (or a more fitting word... crappy).